Unwritten
by Angela Nguyen
Summary: or Angela Is Still Alive And Well She Was Just Lazy And Busy And Does Not Deserve Her Readers' Love.  RenxJeanne, Oneshot, AU. Rated for slight language and some content.


Disclaimer: Don't own the manga, don't own the character. But don't take the plot from me.

A/N: dedicated to **lescribble** for all of her awesomeness. I hope you like the approach I took for this.

WARNING: self-harm and twisted ideas. (Though the manga is full of them already.)

* * *

><p><em>I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you want to be.<em>

_It doesn't matter, go on and shatter, I'm all you need._

_(Adam Lambert, "Broken Open".)_

* * *

><p><strong>Unwritten<strong>

This was one of those times when Ren wanted to punch something.

He would've, if he hadn't been afraid of breaking a customer's neck and therefore getting fired, which only made matters worse. Great Spirit, Jun was going to be so disappointed in him.

It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault that the real world had turned out to be so difficult to live in. He had always lived in his family's safe bubble, so when he had been thrown out of it to college, real life punched him in the face. Harshly. With all of its madness over money, money and more money.

So yeah, Tao freakin' Ren was working part-time as a barista in a coffee shop.

It was not a hard job at all. Learn the recipe, learn how to charm customers into buying more, learn how not to pass out when the college kids storm in every afternoon and you'll be fine.

And learn how to smile, too, in his case.

He was fine. He was definitelyabsolutelyperfectly fine. Aside from two burning feet and shaking hands and the violent urge to crush everything within reach, he was fine.

Who was he kidding, really?

He was particularly irritated that day. This ginger just kept coming back to the counter to complain about how her cappuccino didn't have enough sugar or enough whipped cream or the little shape on the foam wasn't interesting enough.

"That's how you do it, idiot," Horohoro said sagely after snatching the girl's cup from Ren before he could throw it at her face and drawing a little heart on the foam.

Like he was one to talk.

But the line just kept growing, and Ren didn't have any choice but to put on his best (fake) smile and serve eager middle schoolgirls, many of whom had crushes on him.

And he had no idea how, but Ren kind of dozed off for a moment.

He knew it because when he opened his eyes, somebody was tapping their finger on the counter and staring at his blank face.

He blinked.

The face before him became clearer.

His jaw dropped open, then closed. Because he had dignity, damn it.

It fell open again.

Red eyes blinked at him. Twice. The look didn't even waver.

"Were you listening to me?"

The cool voice was like a bucket of ice thrown on the top of his head.

"Yea-Yeah. Can you please say it again?"

He shook his head lightly and blinked again and tried his best to get the smile back on his face, and failed. Instead, he just looked like the biggest moron to hsve ever lived. Which really was saying something, for he had one Horohoro as a co-worker.

"Dark with little cream and mint."

Dark coffee had no foam to draw a heart on it. Shame.

Did he really think that?

He gave the Styrofoam cup to the girl with long and really, really pale fingers, he noticed, and weird silver hair, and even weirder red eyes. If he hadn't had naturally golden eyes himself, he would have thought that she had come out of some cosplay festival. She muttered a little thanks before walking off, her white dress kind of bouncing with her steps.

Not that he stared after her or anything.

* * *

><p>He hadn't dated, or even talked to a girl out of work for, what, 2 years. Which, somehow, attracted girls even more. Maybe because of his "mysterious surface", according to Yoh, or more frighteningly, "They think you're gay, dude. Chicks dig gay guys,", according to Hao.<p>

He was positive he wasn't gay, thank you very much. See, that was the perks of college : once in a party he had got drunk and almost made out with a guy, but pulled out in the last minute because it just hadn't felt right, somehow. His dating life was, well, nothing just because he didn't have the time or the energy to date.

It was none of his friends' fucking business, anyway.

Except they totally claimed that it was.

They threw girls at him all the time. Some were pretty but dumb, some were smart but a little not his type, some were both pretty and smart but boring. Or just didn't suit him in general.

He had totally accepted the fact that he was going to be alone forever. And if his friends called him out on being a drama queen, well, fuck them.

"All you want, baby. Maybe only then will you look back at your life and your choices," Hao laughed, and Ren "accidentally" stepped on the fucker's foot.

His scream was kind of satisfying to hear.

Not that his friends didn't really have a point. His school work and job schedule were crazy, but he was, admittedly, kind of tired of being alone. Yoh had Anna, Lyserg had Morphine, and Hao… well, Hao had everyone. Hell, even Horohoro had a girlfriend, a small, pink-haired, soft-voiced girl who always came over to give him snacks and a kiss on the cheek.

Another frustrating trait of his life.

He wasn't going to deny that he was strangely attracted to a certain pair of red eyes and silver hair. He was. Even if they'd only met for about 5 minutes with about 4 seconds of eye contact, he still kind of missed her.

Which was all sorts of insane and self-destructive in his book. She might just have been a meteor sweeping over his life, never to come back, who knows. No use fawning over a girl who you had sold coffee to once, no matter how pretty she was.

That was why he completely fretted when he spotted a mop of silver hair in the queue waiting for coffee.

He didn't show, of course, but somehow it was still so obvious that even Horohoro knew. And of course he had to laugh at him. In the middle of the crowded store. When the girl was like 3 feet away. Of course.

"She is cute." Horohoro grinned at him stupidly as he passed him the mocha for a black-haired woman. Ren glared.

Lucky for him, he did stand his ground better today. He was about to reach for the dark coffee when the cool voice rang up, amusedly.

"How do you know my order?"

Don't blush, Ren. Don't. Blush.

He was going to make up some lame excuses, but the words just slipped out of his mouth before he had the chance to slap his hand over it.

"I-er-remember it."

"Really?"

There was a hint of smile in her voice now. And her eyes. My Lord, are they pretty.

Before he could come up with any of the witty answers that he usually had in these cases, she went on.

"Then I'm going to change my order. Cappuccino with whipped chocolate cream. Thank you."

He drew a little smiling face on the foam, grinning himself. There was time for hearts of foam, later.

The third time silver-and-red girl came in Ren's shift, she sat at the corner table with that really comfy couch eating cookies. Seriously, cookies. But they looked delicious and her munching cookies with a book in her lap was kind of really adorable.

Yes, he really thought that.

She bought another cappuccino for the takeout. He drew a heart on the foam this time.

Her sweet little smile as she walked away opening the lid of the cup was certainly worth the frantic beating of his heart.

And the humiliation that he was surely going to take from his friends.

* * *

><p>In a very clichéd, teen-drama manner, Tao Ren got himself a date with the silver-and-red girl whom he met at his workplace.<p>

Whose name turned out to be Jeanne, and he found himself nodding at the name. So fitting.

They sat down at a table in the new, cheap restaurant in town. After the first usual greetings and nervous 'you-choose-the-dish-I'll-have-the-same-no-you-do-so's, they stared at each other in silence. Which was kind of really common for first dates. After, like, 10 minutes of staring and blinking, they both burst out laughing.

And so, they talked. And by the end of the night, the only thing Ren could really remember, beside the light in her eyes, was this dangerous flutter his heart made.

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><p>When they started dating officially, it wasn't technically a surprise. Yoh laughed and offered him an affectionate pat on the back, while Hao merely laughed at him. Horohoro pretended to gag when she came to the store one day and gave Ren a peck on the cheek. Ren ignored him.<p>

He wouldn't say it out loud, or even remotely implied it, but Ren was happy. Happier than he had ever been since his last failure of a relationship. Jeanne wasn't the regular cute college girl, not even close. She was tall and slender and dressed really nicely, yes; easy-going and over-energetic, no. She had this kind of quiet presence with her; all gentle smiles and subtle brow-raisings and big, innocent eyes but penetrative gaze. If Ren was to be totally honest, he was freaked out by that mysterious air of hers sometimes. She was elegant and congenial, but at the same time somehow cold and distant, like she was afraid of being hurt.

"I am," she said with another sad smile tugging on her small lips when he told her so on one of their dates. "I think everyone is afraid of getting hurt. Especially in love."

They were both fiddling somewhat awkwardly with their own cups of steamy bubble tea – they were both not that into holding hands or showing any kind of sentiment at all, which was a relief for Ren because most of the girls he had met always asked for some kind of sentimental gestures on his part, but he just couldn't. Even after 2 months of dating, they barely even held hands; they just liked to walk close to each other and enjoy the other's company.

(They did embrace once, though. It had been extremely cold and windy and they had both been kind of freezing and a hug had seemed like a good idea at the time and - they fit. They just did. Clicked together like two pieces of a puzzle. When they let go, Ren felt all warm and fuzzy inside and had he been the type to grin madly like a completely lovesick puppy, he would have done so.)

He didn't comment anything, because deep down, he thought so too.

But he was starting to think that he kind of really liked her, and would like to know that she would trust him to never break her heart. Still, he didn't just press that on her; he would prove that to her overtime.

(Did he really just think of that whole mushy process?)

* * *

><p>Mikihisa, Yoh and Hao's Dad and Ren's boss, let him go early that day. He was going to go out with her that night anyways, so he thought he might as well go straight to her house and surprise her. That's what regular boyfriends do, right?<p>

He nearly puked at that sudden thought.

Still, he ended up at her doorstep, a small, student-sized apartment, and rang the bell before he even realized what he was doing. Then he waited, exhaling clouds in the freezing cold, his boots clicking somewhat impatiently on the floor, and took in the sound of something falling noisily. And then there was her, flushing and a bit out of breath, keeping the door open for him. He noticed the small piece of bandage she held over her wrist.

"I was cooking and hurt myself, that's all," She smiled guiltily as she caught him looking. He merely nodded and slipped out of his boots; the tile floor looked way too flawless for him to put his messy shoes on. She went out of the room to put his coat on the hangers; overly polite as usual. Sitting alone in her living room, he took in the sight. Not much different from the last time he was here, only slightly out of order by her standard. The sink that she usually washed her food in was mostly empty, save for a small knife lying carelessly by it.

Wait.

When she stepped back to the room, she was still holding that bandage over her wrist. He patted the space on the couch beside him lightly, and she sat down, gracefully as ever.

"Aren't you going to do anything about this?" He asked as casually as he could manage to at that moment, lifting her injured wrist carefully in his hand.

She didn't say anything, just let him lift the slightly red bandage up slowly to reveal the shallow cut.

He didn't gasp, but his fingers inevitably trembled lightly as they traced over many a little, barely noticeable scar that covered her wrist. And the scars just spread as her sleeve was inched up; hundreds, hundreds of milky white, wicked stabs at his heart.

He looked up at her, unable to keep the appalling expression off his face; she just looked back at him, her face so still, calm and untouched, it scared him.

_x_

_Do you really have to do this?_

_x_

_No._

_x_

_Then… why?_

_x_

_It makes me feel happy. Free. _

_Like I could control everything. Like_ _I could finally be the person everyone wants me to be. _

_Like I could almost make the world a better place with every drop of blood that drips out of my body._

_x_

He couldn't utter a word. Her smile, her smile at that instant was too happy, too genuinely blissful it was like that of a child's. She wasn't lying in the least. And he couldn't even think. Every fabric of his being was bursting, exploding, and when she smiled that melancholic smile at him once more, he felt dead a little inside.

x

_Hey_

_x_

She looked at him, curiously. Her gaze was still fixated on his face as he draped the shirt he was wearing over the back of the couch and held her delicate, uninjured hand in his.

x

_If I showed you something, would you…_

_x_

He never finished the question. He didn't know what to ask from her, from the shattered, yet heartbreakingly beautiful her.

He turned around so that his back was to her. Lifting her hand, he guided it so that it pushed aside his long, long dark purple hair, revealing his bare back.

She didn't make any noise either, and he felt his breathing becoming even as her small, slender fingers traced over the planes of his back, over the huge tattoo, over the deep cuts of many years of training and torturing in the hands of his Father.

Eventually the hand stopped at his cheek. He turned around once again, facing her.

_x_

_So,_

_x_

The naked emotions in her eyes startled him.

_x_

_We are the same._

_x_

_No._

_x_

_Used to._

_x_

_I let my F__ather do it. All of it. I let him carve into my flesh, I let him torture me, because I thought only then would he see me of any value to him._

_x_

He had needed that attention so badly. A child craving for his Father's, however shallow, affection so much that he had accepted it to be built upon hatred and blood. That when he had finally realized the toxicity of it all, the scars on his body and his soul were already so deep he could always feel them.

So he kept her hand tightly in his. Because he wished he could save her. And maybe, himself too.

And yet, the only true light of his life right now was going to shut him out for under the curse of those very same scars. He just knew that.

_x_

_I ruined the eve__ning, didn't I?_

_x_

_Call me._

_x_

She didn't make any promises.

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><p>Two weeks of no contact. He had stopped calling and leaving voicemails. He had stopped staring at his phone at all time waiting for her smiling (the thought hurt him) face and her number to show up.<p>

Without her, his life didn't change much, honestly. But he craved her. Craved to see her eyes, her hair, her smile, everything, in his life again.

But he knew, that she – they - had to overcome their own insecurity first. But he couldn't help but feel it would have been much easier for him if she were there.

* * *

><p>White dress, flowing hair, glistening eyes. She was exactly the way he remembered. And the look in her eyes, her smile, were so vulnerable it broke him a little more.<p>

The words which were never said, but reflected in those eyes he loved so dearly.

_x_

_I'm baring my heart here. But I'm not afraid of it being broken. Not anymore._

_x_

_x_

_I just._

_I missed you._

_x_

_END_

A/N: I'm sorry. I'm just so so so so sorry for totally disappearing for nearly 5 months. I hope this was worth all that time, and I'm sorry if it didn't live up to what you expect from me. Thank you to PrincessLazyPants, lescribble and Rhiannon-san for letting me rant to you and always cheering me up. But most of all, Thank YOU for reading and still believing in me. Please leave a review! :D


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